I'm kinda sad

Kinda sad and kinda lonely.

No more beef. For now.

Since I have to wait until next Saturday to go visit with Blanca and Kimberley and Osiel, I decided to just make a day of it here in my place.  I munched the rest of the chips and finished off the block of cheddar and ⅔ of a pound of ground beef.  It (the beef) had been sitting in the fridge since last Sunday..... I had to finish it.

I hate my body though.  I feel it jiggling and my head looks too small for my massive body.  Last Wednesday I weighed 239.6 lbs.  I want to see 199.  So I need to stop fucking gorging.

I'll eat pure eggs, spinach, banana shakes. 

- popcorn is fine.  Limit the butter.
- something sweet to have with coffee.
- buy an apple or two.  Don't buy a whole bag and let them go to waste.

I gave up smoking.  I stopped drinking.  I can stop eating so damn much too!

I can't go see them today,

they're going to the fair.

Here I am in my room. 

Go to the gym.  Just go.  At least go to the gym.

Exercise habits. I feel fat.

On Tuesday Blanca told me to go to the gym.  I went Wednesday morning and put in a good hour of strength and cardio.  Then on Thursday, I got distracted by my account being frozen, so I didn't go in the gym like I planned, but I still worked out.  That evening I took an Ativan and slept straight through to 5:30 Friday morning.  I had an idea to go in the gym after work, but didn't have shorts so I went home.  I ate a snack.  Then I snacked some more.  Then I lied down and, surprise surprise, went to sleep.  That was a deep sleep too!

Now here I am Saturday morning and I am thinking about napping, then going to the gym a little later, in an hour or so, so my food has a chance to digest.  I ate a whole wheat sandwich round with peanut butter upon waking, and later munched on cheddar pieces with kettle chips. (On the subject of kettle chips, I need to remember to search why we crave crunchy foods like that...) 

So I'm not really eating healthy.  I say to myself that I have kind of a free pass on the weekend to eat whatever, but that moves into the weekdays often.  I did good this week, but I can do better.

I need to make a schedule though, what days I'm going to exercise and what exercises I'm going to do and work my diet/eating schedule into it.  2 days of rest.  Sunday and... maybe Thursday.  I'm not sure. 

Hmmm.

Kim sent four messages last night

Blanca only sent one at 11:30 saying she'd been waiting for a call since 7:30.

I was dead asleep.

I feel bad about it, I didn't want to read the messages.  I need to stop doing that.  I make promises and then fall asleep on them.

This is why I live alone.

Ohhh my quads hurt

Can't walk too fast or squat without holding on to something... this always happens when I jump back into the gym.... but it's OK.  Got to keep going this time 'cause.... well, just because.  I want to.  *Plus* Blanca says so. (She says to eat less too, though... that's always a challenge though again I am really thinking on that and trying.)

The way she crawled onto my lap the other night... oh man.  She wants to see a six pack.  I'm gonna do my best to show her one.  ;-)

El día de las madres.

Happy Mexican mother's day! Plan to get a card en español and get both Kimberly and Osiel to sign it for Blanca.  :-)  And maybe to go snooping around the jewelry section in Kohl's.....

What a day. Part II

Then I'm just happily trying to re-thread my machine when my boss comes up.  I will be doing another type of work again.... inventory, this time, in the stock room.   

I feel a little more money coming on....... ^_^

What a day.

So after I confirmed that I'd be in to work late, I went for a bike ride.  It was kinda cool and there was a mist in the air; I almost thought it was raining.

Blanca drove past me and gave me a look like "wtf?"  I gave her a big smile and waved.  I ended up at the gym.  Did some quick, heavy lifting, and got back on the bike.  It takes 15 minutes to get from there to my place.

Back at home, I fixed scrambled eggs with spinach, ate.  Then I called the bank.  Seems there were to many failed attempts to access the account.  My guess is when I was trying to link it to my PayPal.  Anyway, the lady was patient with me and nonchalantly informed me that it's all good; no worries.

I was happy to have an excuse to be late to work.  Once in a while is not bad and everything turned out for the best. 

I lazily made my way to work.

Boosted my heart rate but I still feel cross.

3 sets of twelve pushups, 3 sets of twelve deep squats (arms straight out front in the down position,) and 20 jumping jacks.

Mad enough to bite my nails!

Or worried, nervous... why would my account be frozen?  The one with my rent and child support! 

>_<

Waiting for the eggs to boil.

Five more minutes or so.  Even though the munchies came on hard last night (seriously, Ativan??) and I filled up on generic Grape-nuts, I feel like I need to eat something before going to the gym.  I'm going for a hardboiled egg as opposed to peanut butter: much less calories.

*hears the garbage truck emptying the dumpster*  What else can make such a racket at 3:30 in the morning?

*stops to shell the boiled eggs, eats one with a touch of ketchup*

Payday.  Got to go get the rent money out.  Already made a payment to the credit card for this month.  Don't forget that extra 100 bucks on the phone bill for the insurance claim.......

High

Sometimes dog I just don't know how I do it. I'm just here and I'm doing searches for carpet tools on eBay. 

What an exciting life I lead.

A year and five months later...

So I did go and get myself analyzed.  I was prescribed meds for social anxiety.  Effexor.  At first I hated it.... of course, I was drinking at the time and it caused the med to work crazily.  But once I let go of the drink, and gave the med a shot, I found a new contentedness, a new calm with my surroundings.  I've been taking it since.  Going on a year and 4 months.

I also met with a counselor a couple of times.  I could tell she didn't really feel comfortable with me, nor me with her, it just didn't work out.  I'd like to find another but yet I'm really not looking now. 

I like talking with Blanca a lot.  I just like being around her.  I share a lot with her.